


just me, her, and the moon

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Florida, Gen, idk im soft tonight, it's happy, obviously, ugh i love kath lester ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 09:40:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19850494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: He's been thinking a long time about coming out, about how he just needs to be alone with his mum and then he can just finally say it. But now, he could really do it. He could really tell his mum he's gay.





	just me, her, and the moon

**Author's Note:**

> ok look @enbydnp's been introducing me to the wonders of one direction so really it couldn't be helped  
> anyways im soft so this happened  
> enjoy!
> 
> title from end of the day by one direction

He's staring at the moon. It's a beautiful moon. It feels close tonight, closer than normal. 

Martyn and Nigel have long since gone in. It's pretty late, but the Florida air is still warm and muggy and Phil doesn't want to go in yet. He can feel the presence of his mother next to him. It makes the air heavier, and he hates that. 

It's been a good evening. It's been a good _day_ , he just... wishes he could get out of his own head. 

He's been thinking a long time about coming out, about how he just needs to be alone with his mum and then he can just finally say it. It was a great hypothetical plan. Solid, even. But now, he could really do it. He could really tell his mum he's gay. 

His palms are sweaty. Maybe he could just wipe his hands, have a quick, cold shower, go to bed and forget about the whole thing. That sounds like a much better idea, actually. No awkwardness. He can go on pretending like he knows his mum would be completely loving and accepting. Because of course she would be. Right? 

"You okay, love?" his eyes shoot across to Kath, whose hand has come to rest on his shoulder. "You're awfully pale." 

Phil collects himself with a breath he hopes doesn't sound too shaky. "I'm always pale, mum." 

He hopes he's convincing. The comforting thumb rub tells him otherwise, but Kath doesn't press. 

Since he's thinking about it, he supposes, he should probably think about the logistics of this. What if Kath isn't accepting? What if she tells him she thinks it's disgusting? What if she tells his father, and they spend the rest of their trip in uncomfortable, angry, stiff silence? Does he even have a place to go back home, a safe space if it all goes horribly wrong? 

"Phil, love, are you sure you're alright?" the voice pulls him back to reality. His heart is beating fast and he's suddenly aware of his heavy breathing. He takes a deep breath and allows himself the time to exhale and calm down. 

"It's nothing," he says quietly, "Just stuck in my own head is all." 

"Phil," she says softly. She's so soft, his mum. Everything about her is gentle. Phil doesn't want to lose that beautiful, innocent view of his mum. "You know you can tell me anything?" 

He tries his best not to hesitate before he nods carefully. 

"I'm going to get you a cold drink, okay?" 

She's gone before he can reply, and he gives himself the time alone to regroup and let himself breathe. He knows, really, he can't go up to bed like this. He can't lie in a black room alone and think about all the ways this could go wrong all night. It'd drive him insane. 

He looks back up at the moon. It really is so beautiful. Space is so incredible, he thinks. There's just so much out there to explore. He's always loved space. There's something so calming about the idea that there's so much out there, there's always so much going on and he's here, living, breathing, existing by chance amongst it all. And he's gay. He likes boys. And he _likes_ liking boys. He wants his family to like that he likes boys. He thinks about bringing a boy home, someone to introduce as his _boyfriend_. Sleeping in the same bed as a _boy_ and cuddling on the sofa with a _boy_ and holding hands with a _boy_ and feeling safe and loved and comfortable and _right_. All this is waiting for him. He just needs to reach out and grab it. 

His mum takes a long time bringing him a drink and he's grateful for it. Maybe it was really only a few minutes but it's the time he needed to pluck up the courage. He's going to do it. He's going to say it. He's ready. 

"Here's your water, Phil," Kath says quietly as she steps back out on to the lawn. "I'm going to bed, ok? Lock up when you come in."

"Mum?" Phil says, so quietly he almost hopes she doesn't hear him. There's no going back now. 

There must be something in the tone of his voice. He felt it shake, for sure, and Kath must have, too. She stops, lets him take a breath, and sits back down in the chair next to him. 

"Yes?" 

Phil looks up at the moon. He thinks about the boyfriend he could bring home, and the husband he could have, and the love he could receive. He doesn't take his eyes off it as he says those words. 

"I'm gay." 

There's a hand on his arm. It's not an angry hand. It's a gentle, soft hand. His gentle, soft, loving mother. 

There's tears in his eyes. There's a sob in his throat, that he's trying desperately to hide. He gulps loudly, but that's not really any better, he thinks.

"Oh, baby," Kath says, gently, calmly. He can feel the love that radiates from her words, from her being. She opens her mouth to say something, and stops herself. "Can you look at me?" 

He pulls his eyes away from the comfort of the moon, and looks into his mother's eyes. He can't hold it in then. The tears are falling. He's suddenly out of the chair and into her arms, sobs wracking his body. 

"I love you, baby, I love you so much." There's that reassuring touch again, a rub on his shoulders as he feels the weight lift. He did it. He's out. 

He lets himself cry a little while, before he pulls back to sort himself out. 

"Is it okay?" he asks between sniffles. Kath's hands come up to frame his face. 

"Phil," she murmurs, smiling through her own tears, "I want nothing more than for you to be who you are. I love you so much," Phil gives in and wipes a stray tear from her cheek, "and I love that you want to share who you are with me." 

There's a lot more crying. There's something beautiful about crying by moonlight, in his mother's arms. He doesn't ask tonight about how his father will feel, or his grandparents. Tonight, he just wants to bask in the comfort of knowing his mother loves every part of him, just as gently and unconditionally as she had before.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream about dnp on tumblr @ panlesters


End file.
